My Search for Answers

Today, I have decided to let my friends and family know that, for the foreseeable future, I will no longer be a participating member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or the Mormon Church. This may come as a surprise to some, but I want to explain that this was not a decision I have come to lightly. This has been a progressive journey of at least the past seven years.

"The catalyst for advancing our being is 'to question,' as Thomas Jefferson put it, even the very existence of God. When we fail to question, we relegate our contrived belief system to control us. Questioning is the instigator of all learning, and thus, develops our advancement path." - Anonymous

While I have at times had moments of question, I would always dismiss them with the assumption that there must be an explanation somewhere and mostly ignore the concern in the moment. Around 2014, these questions began to grow and feel more troubling.

"People can choose between the sweet lie or the bitter truth. I say the bitter truth, but many people don't want to hear it." - Avigdor Lieberman

I have been known to be a studier, one who seeks substance in answers. As my list of questions grew, my studying did not yield many satisfying answers, instead it led to even more questions. My approach was by no means with any negative agenda in mind, if anything, I searched initially without any concept that the church may not be true as I believed it. I just find that I learn best from history because I feel hindsight magnifies the lessons of the past. Certainly history could lend clarity and insight into my many questions. I just wanted to learn more and have a clearer picture of the church, a better understanding of the teachings and doctrines, and be better acquainted with God’s methods for helping his children.

"The honest investigator must be prepared to follow wherever the search of truth may lead. Truth is often found in the most unexpected places. He must, with fearless and open mind ‘insist that facts are far more important than any cherished, mistaken beliefs.’"

-Apostle Hugh B. Brown, General Conference, Oct. 1962

It was during this search of church history I started looking into Joseph Smith's polygamy. I was curious if he had any children besides those with Emma. I found a few claims, but none that were proven. This was a relief, a point I could look at and think maybe they were just spiritual unions. But then I learned of Smith's first plural wife, Fanny Alger. Oliver Cowdery accused Smith of an outright affair. I learned she was just a 16 year old nanny for him. I learned the supposed marriage was well before the recording of the actual revelation and did not follow the so called rules of polygamy like receiving permission from the current wife. I was more upset about Helen Mar Kimball and the unsettling coercion and pressure Smith, and God by relation, placed on a 14 year old girl.

"By doubting we are led to question, by questioning we arrive at the truth."

- Peter Abelard

Disturbing still, I learned of polyandry. That several of Smith's wives were already married to men who were good standing members of the church. I learned on several occasions Smith had called these men on missions away from their families and then married their wives without consent of their husbands. This felt wrong and predatory. It reminded me of David and Uriah.

“Once a profound truth has been seen, it cannot be 'unseen'. There's no 'going back' to the person you were. Even if such a possibility did exist... why would you want to?” - Dave Sim

As time went on, I was obligated to confront the idea that maybe there were doctrines or aspects in the church that were not from God. The Church itself freely admitted this notion for example with the ban on blacks and the priesthood. I first formulated the notion that while Joseph Smith may have been a prophet of God to bring forth the restoration and the Book of Mormon, maybe polygamy was actually not a God given commandment and he had lied or was deceived on that point by his own weaknesses. Maybe Smith was a fallen prophet much like David in the Old Testament. I began to wonder if maybe God had chosen to remove Joseph Smith as prophet and that was why he was actually killed.

“All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.” - Galileo Galilei

This line of thought led me to analyze what led up to his death. The destruction of the Nauvoo Expositor and his subsequent arrest. The Expositor had printed lies so Joseph and the Church were the real victims. Right? I read the actual printing that led to the presses' destruction, published by William Law, a former member of the First Presidency. The article essentially accused Smith of polygamy and corruption of the doctrine by teaching such ideas. Smith claimed it was a lie and had the press destroyed. The problem? I could not find a single aspect written in it that was a lie. Law was credible. I discovered he became disaffected from the Church when Smith allegedly propositioned Law's wife. The more I learned, the more it felt like a true crime story of Smith getting caught in lies and taking hasty aggressive actions to cover his tracks.

“Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid.”

- Valery Legasov

All this information increased my confidence in the idea that God had actually removed Joseph Smith. But why, if that were the case, did Brigham Young take his place? Someone who became an ardent supporter of polygamy. What makes the LDS Church the correct one as compared to the RLDS or some other off-shoot? Why would God work in such a confusing manner when “restoring” his church, authority and gospel on earth? Also important was at what point did Joseph lose his mantle of prophet? Was there more information or examples like polygamy about early church history that had been filtered out?

“A lie told often enough becomes the truth.” - Vladimir Lenin

"A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it." - Oscar Wilde

With the crumbling of my faith in Joseph Smith I wondered when else had he lied or deceived. What claims had he made that were actually substantiated? I learned of his use of excommunication to get rid of critical leaders, I learned about the Kinderhook plates. It was in this that I came across what became one of the biggest red flags to that point, the Book of Abraham. I had no idea the actual papyrus had been found and the true translation had nothing to do with Abraham. I also learned more about the character and person of Joseph Smith. His patterns and behaviors led to understanding that the red flags were not anomalies, but rather, consistent with a modus operandi from a young age.

“Truth, like gold, is to be obtained not by its growth, but by washing away from it all that is not gold.” - Leo Tolstoy

Occam's razor is the idea that the simplest explanation for something is the most likely to lead to the correct theory. Cut out the complex and unlikely, and you are most likely left with the truth. I came to the realization that all my theories were requiring more and more complicated and contorted ideas to fit into my desired narrative. With my faith deeply shaken, I finally had to confront one alternative idea. The simplest explanation, Joseph Smith was a fraud, just like the countless religious fraudsters throughout history.

“Truth is the daughter of time, not of authority.” - Francis Bacon

“Mormonism must stand or fall on the story of Joseph Smith. He was either a Prophet of God, divinely called, properly appointed and commissioned or he was one of the biggest frauds this world has ever seen. There is no middle ground. If Joseph was a deceiver, who willfully attempted to mislead people, then he should be exposed, his claims should be refuted, and his doctrines shown to be false…”

- Joseph Fielding Smith

The more I learned of church history, the clearer the picture became. When trying to answer each of my questions listed and others that came along the way, it always seemed to lead to the simplest answer. The Church was all based on lies. Maybe the lies were intended to result in good, but as the old saying goes, the pathway to hell is paved with good intentions. Like a morning fog burning off the coast, my perception of reality crystalized as I learned. Everything kept pointing to the church being nothing more than a man-made organization no different than how I had previously viewed any other church.

"In a time of universal deceit - telling the truth is a revolutionary act." - Unknown

Not long after this faith crisis and realization, I felt I wanted to be open with my spouse about my feelings. In the winter of 2015, I vividly remember one evening getting ready for bed for the night. Malina was sitting in bed when I quietly told her that I was significantly questioning my faith and no longer believed the church to be the one true church. She was understanding and kind in this moment of vulnerability. I remember her crying softly and asking some simple questions. I reassured her that I had no plans to radically change my behavior and planned to continue attending church with her as a family. I was terrified and had been taught from a young age that once a spouse leaves the church, a marriage is likely doomed and hope of a happy family was lost. I could only see potential for pain, if this could be avoided by pretending and going through the motions, then I was more than willing to do that. Thankfully, years later, these fears proved to be baseless. Malina would over time confront her own questions and beliefs. I had also believed at this time the idea that even being a man-made organization, at least it could still be a great place for a family. There were plenty of man-made organizations that were still good and healthy. Certainly I didn’t have to throw the baby out with the bath water.

"All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Around this same time, in November of 2015, the Church made the decision to prohibit baptisms of children whose parents are LGBTQ. I made no attempt to hide my disagreement with this decision. When the topic came up with friends or family, I voiced my belief that the move was wrong. While this decision did not impact me directly, I saw the potential and real pain it could cause. I saw the negative outcomes of the honor code at BYU. Policies that were instituted and continued by the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve. I didn't see Christ or his teachings embodied in these decisions. I saw the opposite. These examples are just a drop in the bucket of moves which brought the notion that even today, the Church can create destructive doctrines and policies. It sharpened the idea that the church may not in every way and always be a safe, positive place to raise a family. I had to be aware of what my young son was going to learn and that some tares may be planted with wheat even at church. I later became more and more aware of troubling attitudes, structures and beliefs that had been ingrained in me and others that severely limit healthy relationship development. Many of these attitudes, structures and beliefs are fully entwined with the members, leaders and personality of the Church itself.

"The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable." - James A. Garfield

“A taste for truth at any cost is a passion which spares nothing.” - Albert Camus

Once I had reached the conclusion for myself that the Church was not the one true church and more fully appreciated that it had the potential to harm even today, I was devastated. I was angry, I was lost. I had my entire worldview pulled out from under me. It has taken years of introspection and sifting through the rubble left behind after a spiritual crumbling to find some semblance of personal and spiritual balance. I had to start from square one to determine where I stand on my beliefs about God, Christ, the afterlife, and spirituality. My beliefs are personal to me. I have had to become more comfortable with "I don't know." One thing I can say is I maintain that there must be some reason behind our existence. I have a hope that there is purpose to this life and our relationships and that these relationships can continue after this life. I do not make this change lightly nor can this in any way be perceived as the “easy” way. I find such a notion to be offensive honestly. It will continue to take years to heal and better understand all that this process involves for myself.

"Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth" – Ludwig Borne

I wanted to know what options I had of maintaining the good which the church had to offer. I believe there to be a moral construct which exists and much of what I was taught in the church aligns with this idea. So why not stay as a nuanced active member? I've tried it. This was my approach for the past five years. Unfortunately, you cannot be of help to others while sacrificing your own wellbeing.

"The truth is something that burns. It burns off dead wood. And people don't like having the dead wood burnt off, often because they're 95 percent dead wood."

- Jordan Peterson

I tried to be a lighthouse to those who felt ostracized or lost in their own faith crisis. The problem is the Church makes it very difficult to worship from such a stance. There is not much room or tolerance for contradictory thought. Should a person who no longer believed in the church and priesthood still participate in priesthood blessings and ordinances? How can I hold a temple recommendation if I don't believe in the literal restoration nor believe that church leaders are prophets of God? Worse, the church has an organizational design of exclusion if that disagreement carries over to behaviors. For example, what are the consequences if I don't believe in garments? What if I choose to give tithing to better charitable causes other than the church? Finally, I found it hard to be of help to others if I was still viewed as a part of the patriarchy and an active participant in sustaining it. I wish there was a place for people in my position. Maybe a day will come where that will be more possible. For the time being, however, I don't feel active church attendance and participation is the healthiest use of my time and energy.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” - Brené Brown

While discussing this faith crisis with Malina, I have been fortunate to have a spouse who has been on the same page. She has also had serious doubts and concerns that weighed heavily on her faith shelf. Many of her struggles center around more modern issues. These issues include, but are not limited to; the church's culture, the judgmental nature of the church and it's members, mysogeny, and the controlling Law of Moses like rules and their enforcement on members. Not by pressure or coercion whatsoever on my part, she has also determined that stepping away is what is best for her at this time. I know this crisis of faith has actually strengthened many aspects in our relationship. It has allowed us to better communicate and understand dynamics which have been in play in our marriage that unnecessarily inhibit emotional intimacy. We agree on this decision together.

"But the attitude of faith is to let go, and become open to truth, whatever it might turn out to be." - Alan Watts

For those who know me, I am not a very decisive person. I have a tremendous fear of regret that can often stunt my ability to progress. I incorrectly feel that the longer I remain undecided, the more options I have at my disposal when, in reality, I am limiting my options by not moving forward. It is time for me to open the door and walk past the threshold to the unknown outside without a security tether. This is what I need to do for my own evolution.

"I maintain that Truth is a pathless land, and you cannot approach it by any path whatsoever, by any religion, by any sect." - Jiddu Krishnamurti